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How To Restore Sexual Libido In Your Relationship

Posted on September 28, 2017 in Uncategorized

Are you unhappy with your sex life because she has little or lack of sexual desire? What can you do when you are faced with this situation?

Do you have any of the following symptoms-

(a) You have sex maybe 10-12 times in 3 years
(b) She has little or no interest in sex and any other sexual activities
(c) Sex becomes a chore for her
(d) You initiate almost all sexual activities
(e) When she does initiate it, she wants to quickly get over with it
(f) You no longer have any sexual fantasies about your partner
(g) You do not feel connected to each other emotionally and sexually
(h) You increasingly feel lonely, dissatisfied, unloved and empty

If you have one or more of the above symptoms, you are likely to face the situation of a low or no-sex relationship or sexless marriage. There may be many underlying reasons for a woman to be not interested in sex and it is very normal for you to feel frustrated when you have unmet expectations.

Here are a few suggestions that you can try at least to start the ball rolling in order to reverse this trend of decreasing sexual desire.

(1) Reclaim your sexual side for yourself

Orgasm is a great stress reliever and there is a need for an outlet for your sexual release. A way you can do is to masturbate. This will help to keep your emotions in check if the level of frustration continues to intensify. Do remember that it is your responsibility to keep in touch with your own physical needs.

(2) Touch her in non-sexual ways

Studies have shown that a simple touch can reduce anxiety, lower blood pressure, decrease pain and fear, inhibit loneliness and release endorphins in the brain that not only make us feel loved, but want to give love in return.

Affection and non-sexual touch can build trusts, deepen intimacy and strengthen a relationship. Holding hands, hugging, kissing and gentle massage of the neck, shoulders and back are wonderful ways to show affection without the pressure of sex. You need to break the touch barrier that is happening between the both of you.

(3) Have a heart-to-heart talk

You can put across how you feel to your woman in a non-confrontation way. You can say something like this – “I love you. I feel that something that is important to me is missing in our relationship. I need a more intimate relationship.” Then ask her to set aside a time to have the most open and honest conversation about sex that you can ever have with her.

If she says no, ask if she would prefer to do it with the help of trained personnel such as marriage counselor or a sex therapist who is non-judgmental and unbiased. If she still says no, tell her that being in a sexless marriage is not what you want and you are willing to work with her to make life together better and that you are asking her to be willing to do the same.

During the open and honest conversation there is a need to find out about your woman’s sexuality such as whether she ever feels sexy, either alone or with you; whether she can pinpoint anything that happen to her in the past that can cause her to hold back sexually; has she ever masturbated or have an orgasm; any reasons for her for not wanting to have sex.

There is a need on your part to be dedicated and patient enough to help her discover her sexuality, possibly for the first time. You must also be willing to do whatever it takes to let her feel comfortable enough to feel sexual.

You need to tell her that you feel unloved, dissatisfied and empty when being trapped in a low-sex or sexless situation. Explain to her that you are willing to do anything to make sure she will enjoy a sexual relationship with you as much as you will.

If her level of sexual experience is an issue, offer to show her what feels good for you. Also ask her to show you what feels good to her, the better if she is willing to masturbate in front of you. Help her to embrace her sexuality and encourage her to share it with you. Learning how to love and please each other is a great bonding experience which can help to strengthen a relationship.

Living in a sexless relationship for long times is very stressful and unhealthy physically, mentally and emotionally. All it takes is the willingness to invest the time and energy to do whatever it takes to save your marriage/relationship by revitalizing your sex life.

Why Many Women Don’t Think About Sex

Posted on September 27, 2017 in Uncategorized

Laverne wrote the following to me:

“I have never had thoughts that picture me making love with my husband – or anyone else for that matter. I imagine connection, fun and feelings of love but never making love. If it was left up to me sex would never be on the agenda, just because it would never occur to me to make love. I know when my husband would like to make love, and I enjoy it when I do make love, but it would never cross my mind if he didn’t initiate. I feel I am missing being aware and connected to a part of me. Surely a reasonably balanced and mostly connected human being should have some sort of sex drive. Your thoughts and insights would be really appreciated. Thank you.”

Laverne is not alone in her experience. I hear this same thing from many of my women clients.

However, many women do think about romance, which can lead to sex. Women tend to think more about the process of intimacy – of fun, connection, and sharing feelings of love – rather than about the result. In fact, for many women focusing on the result is a turnoff.

The fact that Laverne can enjoy sex when her husband initiates it indicates that there is nothing wrong with her sexuality. It’s just that it’s not separate from her feelings of love and connection. It doesn’t occur to her to make love because her sexuality mostly emerges from her emotional connection with her husband. Some women, but not all, do experience a biological push toward sex during their ovulation. But even then, for most women, it needs to be in the context of emotional intimacy.

And herein lies the major difference between men and women – testosterone. While some women have higher than normal testosterone levels, most don’t, which means that most women are not biologically driven regarding having sex. Not so for most men. Testosterone creates the biological sex drive in men, while love, intimacy and romance often lead to women feeling sexual.

It would be helpful for our relationships if we all could accept that women who don’t think about having sex are generally not imbalanced or disconnected from their bodies.

What would happen in relationships if both men and women accepted that men are often more biologically driven and women are often more emotionally driven? Perhaps this could lead to deep appreciation for each other. There is truly nothing wrong with men for generally being more biologically driven than women, and there is nothing wrong with women for generally being more emotionally driven then many men. (Of course, none of this is always true, as some women are more biologically driven than their man, and some men are more emotionally driven then their woman. And these differences can just as easily show up in same-sex relationships).

If Laverne stops judging herself for not thinking about sex, and values what she contributes to their relationship, then perhaps she can also value her husband for his biology and for being the one to initiate sex. If her husband completely embraces his biology, perhaps he can fully appreciate what Laverne brings to the relationship regarding fun, love and connection. And he might be more wiling to tap into his ability to be romantic once he accepts this as a vital part of their relationship. By valuing themselves and each other for what they each bring to their sexual relationship, their differences can be a blessing for them rather than creating conflict.

Lesbian Relationships and Friends

Posted on September 25, 2017 in Uncategorized

One of the most difficult challenges, particularly in a same-sex relationship, is establishing boundaries with friends and blending with each others’ friends. Plus, doing this while remaining secure and making each other feel like she is the most important person in the world!

Ordinarily in lesbian relationships, the majority of friends are the same-sex. Friends can be intrusive, meddlesome, opinionated, jealous, rude and inconsiderate; however, they can also be fun, supportive, considerate, helpful, and great sounding boards. There is no doubt, friends will either play havoc on a relationship or be accepting and considerate.

Let’s work from the premise that the relationship is the top priority and friends are not (but still very important). There are several key areas to focus on that can immediately bolster the relationship. These areas need to be mutually established and respected:

Boundaries – Agree on parameters that are manageable. Determine what the negotiable and non-negotiable items are. Examples: Agree to both be home by 8pm, unless otherwise discussed; no answering phones during dinnertime; cell phones are off-limits when you crawl into bed. If you go to happy hour, invite the other to join or at least communicate plans and be home on time. Remember, these boundaries must be agreed upon. If you end up policing and penalizing because of the boundaries, what you have in place is not working. The boundaries are to be and feel respectful of each other, not to hold you hostage.

Communication – Make each other feel special, loved, secure and safe. Talk to each other about everything. Find out about what is important to each other, feelings, favorite things, pet peeves, goals and dreams, fears and phobias, food, children, families, etc. Get to really know each other better than anyone else. Build trust and respect. Make each other feel valued and important.

Common Interests – Explore what you enjoy doing together such as projects, travel, entertaining friends, cooking, golf, fishing, hiking, etc. It is not necessary to do everything together, but it is healthy to do some (enough) things together. It is important to have fun together and feel connected. Orchestrate your relationship so that you are not always running parallel, but have enough intersecting times that keep you in sync with each other.

Host social occasions – One way to blend with each other’s friends is to jointly host social times at your home such as dinners and game nights. Another is to plan outings with joint friends such as happy hours, going to dinner and movies, so forth. The key is to become more comfortable with each other’s friends. Make efforts to blend friends and be more inclusive.

Spontaneity – Surprise each other in ways that you know are appreciated and liked. Break the routine and break away from all others and do for each other. Make each other feel exceptional.

Happy, long-term relationships are to be nurtured treated as top priority. Focus on enjoying your time together. Include friends when it’s appropriate and mutually agreed upon. There should be no feeling of competing for time, attention and love! Friends are to be fun additions.

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